My Journal

Published on 14 July

In that space, we are free

By NastyFog , In My Life
Fine di una storia dolorosa

One of the worst pains you can feel in life is realizing that while they were digging your grave, you were worried they might hurt their hands. I still write to release these thoughts—maybe… hopefully… the last remaining ones… the last to let go. I hope someone might find them useful, and that someone might feel a little less alone.Every time I connect with the pain of others, I feel less “strange” and more “understood.” I found this picture on my iPad from the summer of 2022. I was ready to put myself out there again, willing to risk getting hurt once more (though hoping it wouldn’t happen). I was ready to embrace whatever came next, hoping this time would be the right one. I could have met so many different people, chosen so many different paths, yet somehow—I don’t even know why—I chose you, and I decided to stay, even though I found the situation quite strange. Because that’s just who I am, I stay 🙁 and it’s something I’ve always liked about myself, even though I’ve learned that in the end, I always get hurt.I’ve been “programmed” to be “good” at “welcoming” others… and to this day, I haven’t found another way of being… or any other way to live. It’s been nearly a year since I let you …

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Published on 14 July

The Words I didn't say

By NastyFog , In My Life
Le parole che non ti ho detto

July 11, 2025 I need to take you there (I want to be with you) Let me know when you get there (I care about you) Have you eaten? (I love you) I understand you (I see you and I feel you) Come hang out with my friends tonight (I don’t want you to be alone) I’m sorry (I know it’s hard, but I’m here for you) I could stay here for hours (Close to you) It’s been a while since I heard from you (I feel something isn’t right) I wanted to know how you were doing (You’re drifting away, and it hurts) To me, you’re better looking than your cousin (I see the person you could become) I need to move on (I know it’ll be harder for me, but I have no other choice)

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Published on 11 June

The resilience

By NastyFog , In My Life
Resilience

Looking inward isn’t always pleasant. In fact, it often hurts. It’s like diving into a stormy sea, holding your breath as you descend into parts of yourself you’d rather ignore. Lately, watching my colleagues celebrate weddings, newborns, and seemingly complete lives, I’ve been asking myself: “And where am I going?” I see single colleagues lost in bitterness, stuck in the past, or too angry at life to move forward. I don’t want to become like that. But today, as I notice the first white hairs on my chest and in my beard, I ask myself what I’ve truly built over these 40 years. I’ve spent years supporting friends in their relationships, watching them grow together while I remained on the sidelines, waiting for a love that was never returned. I often feel useless, like my life has been stuck in limbo, never really evolving. And yet, maybe I have built something—something invisible to the eye. I’ve built a deep capacity for listening, a quiet kindness, a discreet strength that shows up even when everything seems to fall apart. But today, that’s no longer enough. I long for true love: a love full of passion like fire, burning without destroying; free like the wind, bringing freshness and newness; solid like the earth, providing support and grounding; adaptable like water, always finding a …

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Published on 09 October

Disco Inferno, my first evening on a gay disco

By NastyFog , In GayLife

Ah, club nights. Loud music, soft lights reflecting off moving bodies, and that constant expectation of fun and connection that makes you feel like anything is possible. I was excited to have my first experience in a gay disco in a long time (let’s make it 15 years?), a place where, in theory, freedom, inclusion and, why not, some interesting encounters are celebrated. But, as life teaches … sometimes things don’t go as planned. I enter Flexo in Padua for my first time (during the popular Beardoc night, which I had enjoyed a lot this summer at Pride Village), the bass of electronic music already vibrating under my feet. The space is small, dimly lit, and already crowded. The first thing that strikes me is to recognize some familiar faces, but not because we were friends. They were faces I had met on various dating apps and indeed I was pleased to see them in person. I thought, naively, that this would make it easier to break the ice, a kind of “hey, we already know each other, or don’t we?” However, as per my friend and companion’s warning, I notice that none of them come up to greet me. There is only a dance of quick glances, of those glances that last a second longer than necessary, but nothing more. …

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Published on 25 September

The vulnerability of people who are resolved

By NastyFog , In GayLife
Photo By Christian Sterck / Unsplash

Discovering that we are gay is often described as an inner journey that confronts us with who we really are. For some, this journey is gradual; for others it comes as a sudden revelation. Regardless of how quickly or when it occurs, the act of acknowledging one’s sexuality marks the beginning of a journey that is as personal as it is universal. It is a journey that inevitably brings us face to face with the world of relationships and intimacy, a world that, although often celebrated in the media, is far more complex in reality. When I came out to a friend of mine, her response struck me deeply. She told me, “The world of relationships is difficult for everyone, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it is for a gay person.” That comment resonated within me, not because I was seeking sympathy or understanding, but because, in those few words, there was an undeniable truth: being part of the LGBTQIA+ community brings with it unique challenges. These challenges are not only about finding a partner, but also about how we approach ourselves and others, often with the shadow of the uncertainties that society imparts to us. We live in a society that, despite advances, continues to impose heteronormative norms and rigid expectations of what is considered “normal” in relationships. …

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Published on 20 September

If you ever thought you were gay, then ...

By NastyFog , In GayLife, My Life
If you ever felt gay read this

LISTENING TO: If I ever feel better – Phoenix I remember that night well, the night I turned 21. I had just come home from one of the coolest birthday parties ever. I had booked a night at a disco with a pool. Needless to say, before midnight I had ended up in the water with half of my guests, and the new CK clothes my mom had decided to give me were all ruined from too much exposure to chlorine. I loaded Telépopmusic’s “Breathe” onto my CD player and started thinking about life going by, four o’clock in the morning, what I had done and what I wanted to do and be. And I remember very well that there was that little voice, deep down … that I didn’t want to listen to and that I said to myself, “no to this thing I will never give space and it will never be part of me” just ignore it and I will be like everybody else. At that time I was dating more than a few girls in college, yet I felt something was wrong, I was watching all the people close to me starting relationships, kissing and being happy. I somehow got off to a good start, at least at that time, but then when things started to get …

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Published on 18 September

Coming Out

By NastyFog , In GayLife, My Life
coming out as a gay guy

I don’t think I ever thought about the whole process of coming out until it was right in front of me, like an unspoken deadline looming over my head. The funny thing is, no one was waiting on it but me. I had built it up into this massive, earth-shattering moment in my mind, but the world wasn’t in a rush for me to blurt it out. That’s the thing about coming out—it feels like it should be this climactic event, and sometimes it is, but most times, it’s not a party or a grand announcement. It’s a quiet realization, more internal than anything. People talk a lot about the pressure of coming out, and yeah, I felt that too. It’s this odd weight, like you’re carrying around a secret that grows heavier the longer you hold it. But the truth is, no one is demanding it of you. There’s no rulebook that says you have to come out at a certain age or tell certain people. You can tell everyone, or no one at all, and both options are perfectly valid. When I first came out, I expected everything to change. I thought it would be like crossing some kind of invisible threshold where suddenly, everything would make sense, where my identity would be fully realized, not just to me …

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Published on 12 September

Where are the Singles?

By NastyFog , In GayLife, My Life
Same Sex Marriages, Same Sex Couple

The Value of Loyalty in the Gay Community: The Resistance I’ve often wondered if loyalty holds a different meaning, or perhaps a deeper resonance, within the gay community compared to others. Then, while scrolling through yet another dating app, I came across yet another profile of a couple looking for a “third” to spice up their relationship. In the last three months, seven couples have asked me to “be their third,” and suddenly, as I looked at my list of messages flooded with couples, I started to reflect: When did loyalty become a concept for three? Don’t get me wrong: I’m not here to judge. Throuples, or “triads,” are legitimate and bring happiness to many. But I found myself wondering if this might point to a deeper trend. Perhaps in a community that has often fought for acceptance, sexual and relational freedom has become a sort of safe haven. But does this mean that loyalty—good old-fashioned loyalty between two—has gone out of style? Have we all become part of a game where infidelity is accepted, even promoted? What happened to the concept of the monogamous couple, which many of us, for years, saw as the ideal destination? Or maybe infidelity doesn’t exist anymore, if everything is consensual and openly discussed? An old saying comes to mind: cheating only exists if someone …

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