The Value of Loyalty in the Gay Community: The Resistance
I’ve often wondered if loyalty holds a different meaning, or perhaps a deeper resonance, within the gay community compared to others. Then, while scrolling through yet another dating app, I came across yet another profile of a couple looking for a “third” to spice up their relationship. In the last three months, seven couples have asked me to “be their third,” and suddenly, as I looked at my list of messages flooded with couples, I started to reflect: When did loyalty become a concept for three? Don’t get me wrong: I’m not here to judge. Throuples, or “triads,” are legitimate and bring happiness to many. But I found myself wondering if this might point to a deeper trend. Perhaps in a community that has often fought for acceptance, sexual and relational freedom has become a sort of safe haven. But does this mean that loyalty—good old-fashioned loyalty between two—has gone out of style? Have we all become part of a game where infidelity is accepted, even promoted? What happened to the concept of the monogamous couple, which many of us, for years, saw as the ideal destination? Or maybe infidelity doesn’t exist anymore, if everything is consensual and openly discussed? An old saying comes to mind: cheating only exists if someone finds out. But if everyone is on board, then what’s left of the concept of betrayal? In a community where openness has become the norm, does loyalty as we once knew it still exist? I find myself scrolling, scrolling, and scrolling some more, through couples looking for something that, to me, seems a bit too complicated. Am I the one who’s wrong, or have I become an outsider in the modern gay dating world? I can’t help but think: When did searching for a stable relationship become an act of resistance? In a way, it’s as if the idea of “finding your soulmate” has been replaced by “finding a spicy adventure,” and maybe more than one. But if we look deeper, maybe it’s not just about sex. Maybe behind every couple looking for a third, there’s a desire for something more, something that a relationship between two can no longer provide. As I reflect on this increasingly common trend, I can’t help but wonder: Is old-fashioned loyalty still possible in the gay community? Or have we shifted to a model where openness and flexibility are the only ways to survive? Are we so obsessed with keeping our options open that we’ve forgotten what it means to fully invest in one person? I remember a time when dating apps felt like a romantic lottery. Sure, there were occasional flings, but there was also this subtle hope of finding someone to build something real with. Now, though, it feels like the apps have become a kind of relationship supermarket, where you can mix and match partners based on what you feel like trying at the moment. Have dating apps changed the way we see loyalty? Maybe having constant access to new people has made us unable to commit? (In fact, I’ve had more than a few dates where the other person claimed they couldn’t commit in a world full of apps). Why stay with one person when you can have a new experience every day? Maybe this is the real dilemma of the app world: it’s not that we can’t find love anymore, but that we simply don’t commit to searching for it. In a community that has fought so hard for the freedom to love whomever we want, have we ended up losing the ability to love someone exclusively? Of course, monogamy isn’t for everyone. But there’s something romantic, something radically revolutionary, in choosing to share your life with just one person. In a world where every option is just a swipe away, choosing to be faithful feels like an act of rebellion. Yet, when everything is possible, when every desire can be satisfied with a message on an app, maybe loyalty has simply changed form. Maybe the new loyalty is about open communication, being honest about your needs and desires, even when they include other people. Thinking about all the couples who’ve asked me to be their third, I can’t help but wonder if they’re truly happy or if they’re searching for something that’s missing. Has adding a third person become the modern solution to reignite a spark that’s dimmed? Maybe, in the modern dating world, love is no longer about finding one person to build a life with, but about creating a complex network of relationships that support each other. But I wonder: Can all of this really replace the deep, intimate connection that only a relationship between two can give? As I continue to reflect on these questions, I realize that perhaps loyalty isn’t dead; it has simply evolved. Maybe loyalty today means being open and flexible, accepting that love isn’t a static concept, but something that changes and adapts to our needs. And yet, I can’t help but feel a small pang of nostalgia for those days when meeting someone meant exploring the mystery of a relationship between two, without adding other elements. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I wonder if, in this modern world, there’s still room for old-school love. The truth is that the gay community, like any other, is constantly evolving. Loyalty, like love, is no longer black and white, but an infinite spectrum of shades. And perhaps, in a way, that’s our strength: the ability to reinvent traditional concepts and adapt them to a new reality. As I continue receiving requests from couples looking for a third, I wonder if one day I’ll find someone who wants to build something exclusive with me. But until then, perhaps I should simply accept that love and loyalty in the gay community have become something much more multifaceted and complex than I ever imagined. In the meantime, I focus on the one loyalty I have control over: loyalty to myself, to who I am and what I want.Where are the Singles?
